An Almost Booty Call
by FemmePhantom
Summary: Ichi/Renji crackfic. Implied slash, but nothing graphic. Just innuendo and some choice phrases. No characters or ships were bashed in the making of this fic. We'll rate this PG13 for langauge. Oneshot.


Ichigo flopped down on his bed with a sigh. High school was hard enough without having to battle hollows on a daily basis. But you add in all those extra hours – plus the punishments his dad tried to inflict on him, and he was just dog-tired.

Kon's muffled squeals of indignation could be heard through his closet door, but he didn't have the energy to walk over and shut the plushie up. So he opted to cover his face with a pillow in an effort to block out the world.

Minutes passed, or it could've been hours for all Ichigo knew, but Kon had finally stopped whining, and his dad was no longer banging on his door. He cautiously lifted the pillow from his face, and cracked an eye open. The closet door was still closed, and his room was now blissfully quiet.

Putting his pillow back under his head, he lazily scratched his stomach and started to fall asleep.

Then his phone rang. He should've known it was too good to be true.

Eyes still closed, he blindly groped his bedside table for his cell; and finding it, he flipped it open angrily.

"This better be _really_ important."

"Well now, is that any way to greet a friend?"

Ichigo brought his hand to his forehead and tried to rub the crinkles in his brow away.

"Just what the hell do you want, Renji?"

"Now, now, if you keep talking to me like that you won't get your present," Renji chided.

The corners of Ichigo's mouth turned up before he could stop himself. "Oh yeah? What did you get me?"

"You'll have to come over here to find out."

"Look, I just got home, and I had to help Rukia with her homework, and then there was a hollow attack, and then my dad tried a new scissor-kick attack when I got home…"

"So?" Renji wasn't put off. "If you come over here I promise I'll make it worth your while."

Ichigo heard the teasing words drip from Renji's wicked tongue, and almost gave in. "I went over there last time, Renji? Why don't you come over here for once?"

"What are you talking about; _I went over there last time_? Of course you came over here! Like we can do anything at your place with your family there."

Ichigo shot up. "Oh, and there's no one at Urahara's shop that can overhear you scream?"

"Number one," Renji spat into the phone. "I do not _scream_, and number two, it would be slightly less embarrassing to be caught by Urahara than by anyone in your family!"

"Uh-huh, I'm sure Jinta and Ururu would be _so_ understanding. I can even see them running up to Tessai asking him about what they just saw."

"Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Everyone knows that we're doing it…"

"Would you shut up!" Ichigo shouted and started to pace his room. "Do you have to be so…crass?"

He could hear Renji's soft laughter over the phone. "Does it bother you to hear it said out loud, Ichigo? That you and I are lovers? That we're making the beast with two backs? Bumping uglies? Doing the horizontal mambo?"

"Shut up! JUST SHUT UP! God! Why do you have to say things like that?"

"Why Ichi, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were ashamed of our relationship."

The smugness in Renji's voice made Ichigo want to throttle the bastard. "DON'T call me _Ichi_. And if you keep this up I'm going to kill you," he hissed through clenched teeth.

"But if you kill me, you won't get your present. So are you coming over or not?"

"I already t_old_ you," Ichigo groaned. "I went over there last time…"

* * *

**A/N: Okay, let me say that I love both of these characters, I have no problems with slash, I just don't really see how these two could ever have a relationship. In my opinion, they'd be too busy arguing all the time. Well, the opinion (which is mine and mine alone) formed an idea, which spawned a plot bunny, which turned into this crackfic. Personally, I just thought the scene was funny, and wanted to share it. End. No other agenda. So, I hope you enjoyed this. Comments/concrit is welcome; and if you feel the need to flame me, then by all means do so. Just don't expect me to reply.**

**Till next time my pretties!**

**Much love,**

**FemmePhantom**


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